Hello world, it's been a while

 Wow last entry 2018... how things change. So much had already happened that has brought me to where I'm at now. That doesn't make sense, but it does at the same time. I already met my soulmate, my support system of a human being. I definitely needed and have needed him. Some friendships go beyond what can ever be said. 

2017 was life changing. The worst year of all my years, it was the beginning of the end of who I was. I was broken that year, and since then the attempt to kintsugi my life back together. 

We went through a global pandemic, and while starting that, my personal life and health flipped. I was living with a secret, a pandemic, and now imminent death closer to me than the norm. My life's environment wasn't different, living with my secondary abuser. I was holding so much in, I was doing it alone. Alone... the feeling that's hidden behind words like "independent" and "strong." I found solace in the pandemic, not facing the one that broke me or those that left me broken and blamed me for it. There was so much anger.... so much anger... so much hatred... so much desire to cause pain. Unfortunately, it was pulled back into myself. After years of the pandemic, things were going back to a more social way of living. That's when I couldn't stand it anymore. I needed help. All my anger towards those that hurt me was drowning me, I couldn't stand it and started hurting myself again. 

So called friends don't understand it. They just don't like that you're different now. They don't want to help or even understand, you just make them feel uncomfortable and they write you off. I would have felt bad before, but now... fuck off. How can you help others if you can't even try to understand your so called best friend and understand all the fucking shit that has her about to end it all. You lack empathy and understanding. I needed to get that out. I know they never had a true friend and can't even face their own feelings. Why would they be equipped to be a friend? 

Therapy has been helpful. A lot of times it's disheartening to learn about how things you do have been programmed into you. I feel that my years prior to this have been set on autopilot by a cruel person. Now I'm trying to undo it all. My mother did a number on me, and her mini- me. continues to try. I was broken and hurt because of my programming. Then you add the other layers of programming: female, Latina, in a religious upbringing. Being taught to put others ahead of yourself, service others, be polite, be nice, don't embarrass others, don't speak up... I never thought I was a stepping stone, but now I see how embedded it's been. I'm not saying those things are wrong in their entirety, not at all; it's just been taught asymmetrically. We lack to teach about boundaries, about listening to your feelings and how they're valid, respecting your space, how no is a sentence and it's okay. We do not have to be polite and nice... we choose when to be so. There are people in this world that want to walk all over us and use us. What should we do? Turn the other cheek? No... even Jesus called people stupid and hypocrites. He had limits, and he made sure to cary himself with self-respect. 

I've given family more boundaries but that's a never-ending struggle to keep up. I think mainly because I live with them. Religiously, there's so much damage there, mistrust, disgust, anger, and loss of identity. There's a pause there, but spirituality is always continuous. One of my ride or die friends, a TRUE friend, recently called me. He knows EVERY DETAIL of my past and current life. He understood where I'm at and why. He knows who I am, not just the shell of my past self. 

There are less friends in my life now, and it's been okay. I'm a loyal friend. I will be there for you. Those that have only been around to use that... bye. Others that have only been around because of time, well those heavy relationships ended. I'm grateful they did. I know I couldn't do it on my own, directly... now I could. 

Now it's time to deal with another aspect of my life. Relationships. That's always been the heavier one. 

I think I've been stripping away the layers of what has shaped me and I'm figuring out who I am, and what I don't want anymore. I don't just want to be fed answers, I don't just want to repeat the lines being fed to us. I want to believe and feel whole-souled based on truth, based on growth and nurture. 

I want to have control over my decisions, thoughts, feelings, be with true friends and true relationships that help me grow and heal me... and continue to be that for those people. If you don't appreciate that, you can keep walking. I won't miss you. 

I know this has so much unsaid details. Not ready to let it all out yet. With time, I think 2025 needs to have more transparency. I need to be freed from all of this.