July 2018: What a Month

Nothing in life is guaranteed; it moves in waves. We constantly coast through the highs and the lows, with efforts of staying afloat. The world we live in is decaying at such a quicken rate around us. Mankind cause so much unrest for itself, and yet many learn to survive; even if it's by a thread.

The human psyche and human behavior have always been a topic that interests me. Lately, I've been pondering about how we react to those big, crappy curve balls life hurls at you. In my youth, I did act very hot-headily, impulsively, and aggressively. With the help of my "papa," I was able to control that better. It was years of trying different methods: from blowing up, to complete silence and harboring feelings. Neither end of the spectrum was healthy. Through art and writing,  I was able to feel better, and react better. 

There have been many odd things happen to me in life. Yes, there have been moments of complete suffocating self-disappointment that lead to a pinnacle of pure self-destruction. Idiotic actions and regrets. To what end? To prove to myself how I feel about myself? What I think of my failing and shortcomings? I do agree, I am my own worst enemy. I am my own worst critic. I'm aware that no one can change that mentality for me. It has grown roots for years. 

I don't want pity. This blog was created years ago as an outlet; I just need to think. Although a permanent mentality, the intensity can vary. Last year wasn't a good year. With my failings and the passing of a family member, came the self-destruction. I hurt people with my actions against myself. It's not like every weekend is like that infamous one, but that weekend, I couldn't stop it. 

Since then, being called out on my actions has force-ably cause me to look at certain things in the eye. The anger and anxiety of it has lead to something else. I have recently learned of a hereditary medical condition. I have always been an advocate of good mental health, and I have always tried not to stress out, but I had had enough. Quite frankly, I whole-heartily believe that the stress others were causing me, lead me to my medical state. No more than a week later, the reintroduction of a dying family member landed in my family's lap. 

These last two situations is what has me meditating. I always wondered how I'd react to some health scare or actual condition. One thing is thinking about how'd you'd react, and another is being in the situation. I took it as is. I'm not immune from fear, but soon after, the "oh okay, I will just always have this and it can kill me" acceptance came about. Why overly worry? I will not just cross my arms and not change what I can in my life, but I shouldn't fear. We are all already dying a little more everyday. I try not to get over worked by a situation or a person. I'm known as happy go lucky (for the most part), and I have decided to stay like that. 

In regards to people forcing themselves back into my life, I'm very satisfied at my reaction. I had long ago decided that someone who doesn't merit to have so much power over me, would not cause me to become a bitter person. In the moment of being in the same room as them, I did not feel sad, nor angry. I was just there. I said what I had to say, turned around around, and walked away, never to see them ever again. I felt at peace, I had for years, I just needed to make sure my decision to reject that bitterness truly never seeped into me. 

I'm not sure if I no longer truly care anymore, or if I've grown. Day after day, I notice I have become like many, just trying to bob in the water, even without the taciturn waves. I watch myself from afar, and I don't dare to ask myself if I need help or to snap out of it. I have adventures, but this wasn't the lifestyle I have in my heart. Somethings can be changed, others cannot. So I take it day by day.