A year in the life... maybe two years.

It's humorous to see how non frequently I update this blog. Every time, it's been due to life. Things calm down and then are disrupted like a random stone being tossed into a pond. Lately, things haven't been so bad. 

I do miss V, immensely, more than she can imagine, more than her missing me. Many times, you have to be the best kind of person for your friends, so you can help them and be that person they rely on. So many of my friendships had been like that. Along the years I've learned that one way friendships leave you barren. It wasn't like that with V. She knew my good, bad, and ugly and still gave me a shoulder to cry on when I needed it. Due to V, I found my Sunshine and J. I miss them as well, but that's due to distance. Soon, dears, soon I'll see you both. 

how things change

D is so very much in love and engaged (no longer engaged to be engaged)! I'm so very happy for her. I keep telling her how things change when you get married. It's not to be pessimistic, no not at all, just realistic. You can see it already, and it's what happens in life. It's sad but understandable. DON'T FEEL BAD, it's just life dear.

D and her love

Work, what can I say about work? I love what I do. I actually help people, and I learn more about the human mind and human behavior everyday that I'm here. Watch out, a stone was just tossed... although I love work, it's coming to an end. I must continue to look elsewhere, complete bummer. 

Love? I've learned so much about love in this past year, year and a half. Love is amazing, it's what keeps the world going. My friends' love baffles me, it's beyond amazing. Self-sacrificing, genuine, love. I know I have the support of people that whenever I'm frantically freaking out about something whether it be major or minor, they're there. I've become more responsible (I hope) because of them and their examples.
I know I test their patience at times, with my intent to be funny or my non-reflexive actions at times, but know that I never want to hurt you, because without you, what am I? I am me because of you, and I have grown because of you. I am loved because you love me, and you are loved because...
 "i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)" -e.e. cummings

I've always wanted to genuinely use this poem one day in my life, and today was the day. As I typed, the first words began to flow from my fingertips, not as merely knowledge stored in my long term memory, but as a part of me. Something I truly understand. 

I think I've come a long way these past two years. The hardest hits haven't been work related or even money related (gasp), but it's been those jabs at the heart from friends (maybe now considered former friends). It's been from jabs that I have caused upon myself of whom I thought I should be and what I want to be seen as. Now I know I want a better life for myself, away from toxic people, away from the toxicity that I used to cause on myself. It's a process, but I'm committed.I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. I used to be like that, and somehow I strayed from that, I lost myself along the way. I'm back. 

It's funny... once again, I'm paralleled with Rory. I was lost, but I'm finding my way back. Thank you, Jess.


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