So Off

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option" - Mark Twain. 

So after reading this entry, I couldn't just leave a comment. 

I completely get the whole, commitment first and then falling in love approach! You're willing to do something so important as falling IN love with someone that you're already thinking of in a serious manner. Just giving your love to someone you're not serious about or willing to be serious with... that's strange!

To be honest, in my last so-called relationship, I was scared of commitment. I would tell him it wasn't personal... but now I see it was. I wasn't like that before, before I was completely committed. I knew who I can function with and who I was willing to let my walls down for. In relationships, you can't play it safe, otherwise you don't get anywhere. Don't get me wrong, if mature people that know you extremely well are giving you advice, listen. Contradictions? No, it's called being balanced and being wise, not acting like a teenager. 

Lack of commitment can make your opinion of anyone change. It can be applied on all levels: friends, family, and significant others. I want all of those people to know I love them and hold them important. I want to be important to them as well. 

It's all so confusing when you try to wait for someone else to come to that realization. Patience. For me, if you're worth it, I'll be patient. If you're someone who attracts me with your qualities, if you're someone I long to get to know, if you're someone that makes me feel like being committed... well damn that's saying A LOT. But then the question comes, how long do you wait?

Life is life, and you've all been in that situation. When many guys (if you're a girl) are interested at the same time you're waiting for someone else. It's comedic really, typical timing. What makes us still wait and ignore the others? I think I've been in love, or close to love once in my life... a long time ago. Back then, I was super "tunnel vision" with the guy I was with. But that's how it is supposed to be. I never realized certain guys liked me, and it didn't matter. I was committed to someone. Things didn't work out, but it's fine because I still respect him and wish the best for him.

I'm sharing that because, I was young back then... and committed. It didn't mean I was going to end up marrying the guy, and I'm happy I didn't. It took him longer to be like that, even on a minimal level. So why is that hard for other people? It just means the effort you give to another person is honest and true (totally Hemingway). No one wants to be lied to. I know, I know... ranting. But hey that's what this is for. 

Oh Twain, he truly sums it up. So once you make that choice, good old Gabriel Garcia Marquez chimes in with, "la peor forma de extrañar alguien es estar a su lado y saber que nunca lo podrás tener." Now you're at two completely different ends because you don't want to feel that sadness. 

Oh man, I know you're reading this, D. Sorry, I don't know what I'm saying haha. The Dr. seems to be broken tonight. Lack of inspiration I guess. Lack of many things. As I wrote that, someone's recent words just came to mind, "your happiness shouldn't depend on me." It's true, happiness needs to come from yourself, but people's words and actions DO have a positive and / negative affect! You can't just become part of someone's life and try to eradicate your presence. 

If you mean something to me and I tell you, I'm not BS-ing. Hmm... you'll probably read this later today at work, but gosh! Today is a day I wish I weren't so analytical haha! Or rather I wish I weren't emotional so I can make sense. I'm off. 


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